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My Testimony

Jesus saved me, He could save you.

 

I am here to tell you how God brought me closer to His heart, His most beautiful most Compassionate heart. Some of you may not know how beautiful God is, how He welcomes us to His heart.  I have gone through so many trials in my life, so many. So many nights where I was crying, so many lonely nights, so many times where I was seized by fear and anxiety.  What was the solution for all of this? It was Jesus and it is Jesus. God is real. My heart hurts for a world that doesn’t seem to recognize God and love anymore. The media, the songs, the false teachings, the sin, the hurt.

 

Friends I would not be here today if it were not for God drawing me closer and closer to Him, calling me out of deep depression and fear, and seeking after His divine heart.

 

The way of sin is death and the way of sin will lead only to more and more death in this world.  In the world you will have trial, but God has overcome the world.

 

I grew up in Texas with two beautiful Catholic parents. We had our struggles financially, with my mom’s health, and in their marriage. But there was never a time in my home that I did not feel loved and know how fully God loved me and how my parents loved me.  My sister was my best friend. I grew up going to Catholic schools, learning about God.

 

Yet, I struggled when I was bullying, received peer pressure to bully another girl, and liked a boy very deeply in middle school for him only to eventually reject me.

 

I grew up listening to pop songs and watching movies and media, all along unaware that I could just reach out to God with my struggles, with my deep hurt and loneliness that the root of rejections left. Ever since I could remember, I was singing.  God put a deep love for music in my heart at an early age yet I couldn’t express my gifts, for fear of being rejected.

 

Right before I started high school, we moved to California.  My sister went through one of the most horrible moments in her life as she started college and my family struggled to help her.  I didn’t understand her depression on that deep of a level. I didn’t understand why she was so unhappy.  I myself made friends and grew to love the arts and creativity during high school. Then my sophomore year of high school I grew up liking another boy and started having trouble with a friend of mine.  I would obsess about this boy and agonize for months about what to do.

 

Why couldn’t I just be myself around him?

 

That is when the root of despair began to take place and I understood. I grew depressed after falling behind with all of the schoolwork I had became too much. I had visited a non-Catholic church for the first time after we moved to California and I felt for the first time warmth within myself during prayer. They taught about dispelling demons — it was very charismatic where you could feel the Holy Spirit and be slain in the spirit. All’s this to say, when I started feeling depressed, I thought I needed deliverance and thought that a demon was oppressing me.

 

My parents took me to get prayed over time and time again and I kind of began to be in shock. I started losing hope that I would be healed and it was at this point that I shut down.  I was very much scared of whatever I felt the demon was attacking me.

 

It was a very strange season of my life that I never thought I would recover from.

 

I basically had a mental breakdown, catatonia, etc., where I didn’t talk and was so fearful of even moving for the rest of the summer and I was seeing things.  Eventually I healed enough to where I could get back to normal and function and we moved to Florida at the end of December.  I only attribute God’s grace for getting me through that previous season of my life because it was with Him that I held onto hope.

 

I wasn’t out of the woods yet because I had a normal high school experience mostly for the next semester, yet fell into the same pattern yet again of liking a boy and not knowing how to be myself over the course of several months.  I had friends and I wasn’t extremely shy, just had this root of insecurity where I was uncomfortable being myself sometimes.  I would obsess about this for months and then it just go to be too much to handle. A variation of the same thing happened. I had a mental breakdown of sorts, seeing things, feeling attacked spiritually, lonely, and hallucinating.  I would go through periods of this up until 2015 when I was finally put on the proper medication in a mental hospital. Over the years after that, I would still have anxiety at times and depression. I feel like all this was from not working through some roots of rejection in my childhood.

 

So where does God play into all this?

 

Well, going through this, I would seek God like I had never before.  I would listen to sermons, read the bible, go to Church, talk to God. I really hid that I had even gone through anything like this because of shame. Shame of what other people would think, a denial that I had even gone through this.

 

When you feel like you don’t have anyone, God shows up for you in a powerful way.

 

I was constantly leaning on Him and going to Him and we formed a deep friendship. So many times when I felt down and lost, God would reach out to me and comfort me and speak to me.  I am so incredibly grateful that I survived something like this and that I am even able to return to a normal life.  It was during this time that I grew very compassionate and began to love God and others with my whole heart.  God was drawing me closer to Him. God is a beautiful God and so, so compassionate. There were so many songs with uplifting lyrics, so many beautiful times where I felt God’s presence like in the Eucharist and at mass. So many times I would listen to something and what they were saying would just hit me.

When you have nothing, you find out that God is all that You need.

 

From the bottom of my heart, I never want you to go through anything like this. But because we are human, we all know we will suffer.   Guess what, God is what is most important. Love is what is most important.  There is hope for anyone going through something and there is hope for whoever has strayed. I really want you to check out the Catholic Church because God founded that Church and helps us within the sacraments.  I want you to be open to God, the One true God who loves you very deeply. He not only loves you, but wants you to remain in a relationship with Him. He wants you to be there for that loved one who is suffering and He wants you to feel at peace.

 

I was a very broken lonely soul. But who do you think God saved and is still putting back together? Me.

 

My heart belongs to Him because once you belong to Him, there is nothing in the world that is better.  He created us and we are made to know and love Him. He was all that I had at my worst and He is all that I need at my best.  I was created to create and to share the truth and the hope of the gospel. Suffering made the gospel so much more personal to me.

 

Am I perfect? No. Have I grown a lot? You bet. Who do I owe that to? God.  It was only with God and His mercy that I am here today. It is only by the power of love that I am who I am.

I will give you rest

Jesus said “Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest.”

 

What does this mean?

 

It means we have a Savior to run to, to turn to. When life gets to be too much, Jesus gives us rest.

 

Rest is a beautiful thing. In a way, anxiety and worry are the opposite of rest. I read somewhere that we need to sit and rest in Him and His love.  Life makes us weary. There can be so many things that can bring us down.  But I love what Peter did when Jesus walked on water.  Peter kept his gaze on Jesus.  Yet when he looked at the waves, he started sinking.

 

When we work so hard to get peace, when we search for peace in anything other than Jesus, we come up empty.

 

Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and The Life.  There is purpose in your life and so much beauty in you.  You are an image bearer of God, reflecting to the world an aspect of God no one else can quite imitate.

 

Why, you say, have bad things happened then? Why have I gone down this dark road of comparison, of hurt, of issues, of sin? Why is my life a mess?

 

Adam and Eve brought sin into the world, into God’s perfect creation.  The world was taken and turned upside down.  As a result, there is pain. There is separation from God.  But since Jesus came and died for us, we can turn to Him and be cleansed of original sin.

 

I say all of this to say that life can be painful scary because of sin. But we can always, always run to Abba Father and jump into His arms.

 

He is a kind, loyal, loving God. I know because God has showed me immeasurable love.  When I was hurting, He was there with me. When I felt like I couldn’t even speak, God spoke to me. When I needed help, He was the One who could help me.

 

Life is not perfect. Life is filled with ups and downs. But turn to Him. When you are down, there is no other way to look than up. There is no other life to live than yours.  You may be lost, broken for a season. But you are here right now living, breathing, being.  What a gift you are to the world.

 

I hope you know something. God is kind.  He will help you if you ask Him, and many times even when you don’t ask Him.

 

Are you hurting?  God can heal.

Are you broken? God can put you back together.

Are you unhealthy? God can bring you health.

Do you have problems? So do I!

 

That’s why I turn to God. That is why I strive to cast my cares on Him. I’m not perfect but we don’t have to be.  We can at least try to come to Jesus.

 

And ask others to pray for you. Ask the saints to pray for you and especially Our Lady.

 

I want you to know something.

 

There is good in you. You are not lost. Weary traveler you won’t be weary long.

 

Give God your burdens.  The next time you worry, start praying. Start asking for help from the Almighty God who created the world. Jesus is telling you, “Don’t lose hope, little one.  Don’t give into despair, worry, fear, or regret. Turn to me and I will give you rest.”

 

Jesus is the Prince of Peace.  He brought peace to the world.  Jesus is the God of Living Waters. All this to say: Go. Go live your life and forgive and laugh and grow close to God.

 

If you have the Lord, you have all you need.

When Night Becomes the Morning

“I thirst for souls that love God.”-Jesus

 

The darkest of nights can give birth to the most glorious of mornings.

 

We were made for so much more.

 

Fellow Christians, I come to you on Good Friday, the day we remember Jesus dying on the cross for us.  I wonder what He felt all those years ago?  Probably lonely, broken, and thirsting for souls to come to Him.

 

It’s amazing that He died for us, that He endured much suffering so that we could spend eternity with Him in heaven. Jesus was so Holy.

 

I imagine what it would have been like in Jesus’ day. The darkest of afternoons where our Lord hung breathing his last breaths, with the weight of so much sin on his shoulders.

 

Yet he endured it, looking forward to the reward of heaven.

 

His apostles all thought it was the end. They hadn’t realized that the end was the start of a beginning. I imagine what they felt when Jesus died.  “Teacher, now what?  What do we do now that you have died?”  I am sure they were afraid for their own lives and disappointed that Jesus, the Son of God had died!

 

But this was necessary.  Because of original sin, we live in a fallen world where sin had separated us from God.

 

Jesus came to restore our relationship with Himself.

 

We are made right with God through this sacrifice and look forward to eternal life with Jesus in heaven if we live upright, pure lives.

 

Many people are so weary, so torn down by life. They are going through dark nights, losing hope. Yet Jesus showed us that these dark nights are not the end of the story.

 

A new day is coming. A resurrection is promised.

 

And Jesus rose from the dead all of those years ago to tell us that Love has the final word.

 

God is so merciful that He gave us a way out of eternal death, a life without God. He gave us a way that we could forever enjoy Him in heaven.  But first we have to endure trials here on this earth. It is so encouraging to realize that these trials are not forever!

 

The Blessed Mother was with Jesus at the cross. Know that Our Lady, Jesus’ mother is always there to help you too.

 

So when it feels like a dark night, be encouraged-the moring is coming.  Hold onto hope! I am praying for you to live your dreams and to grow closer to Christ.

 

Let us pray:

Lord now that we are entering the 3 days of the Passion of Christ, let us always remember that amidst the sufferings there is joy waiting for us. Help us to endure our trials patiently and not lose hope.  I pray especially for those who endure many hardships every day. Bring them closer to Your heart.  Jesus we love you and through the Blessed Mother’s intercession we ask for peace. Heal us and help us to stay close to You. Amen.

Pray More

Pray More, Worry Less

I was a happy child I promise.

But life can be rough.

When we are faced with life’s difficulties, it can be easy to run.

We can run away from who who we are, who God calls us to be, from other people.

During some difficult moments, we seek comfort in things that will never bring us comfort.  Comfort foods, binge watching our favorite show, etc.

We are all guilty with trying to satisfy our hearts with things that will never satisfy.

Running is all too easy.

I know because I once tried to run from my emotions and bury what I was feeling inside.

But somewhere along the way, God came in and started working on me.

He revealed that those feelings would never go away until I faced them.

Those hurts and that drama would never disappear until I faced what was bothering me head on.

It can be so easy to let the loop of worry go around and around in our minds.  But my breakthrough came when I hit the pause button and prayed.

Maybe, just maybe God has a plan.

Sure, we are not in control, but in releasing the negative feelings we hide inside, we can finally breathe.

We can finally truly live, free of the baggage weighing us down.

Are you holding onto things you should let go of? Are you afraid to face painful memories of the past or unment expectations?

Dear one, I encourage you to journal through these questions:

  1. Is there anything that happened that I can’t seem to let go of? Why am I holding onto these things?

2. Are there people who have hurt me that I haven’t forgiven? Pray and release what you have been holding onto.

3. Is there something you need to forgive yourself for? Ask God for forgiveness.

No matter how long it takes, I want you to journal these questions. Really ponder them and let go of the pain of the past.

Yesterday is gone, Today is here. All we have is this moment.  But learn from your past. Don’t let pain go wasted.

For me. it was so easy to hit auto pilot and bury my feelings. But these feelings needed to be expressed.

What is so beautiful is once you pray through these questions, you can let it go.

Let go of the emptiness, of the bitterness, of the guilt.

Its beautiful and you will feel lighter, and freer.  And you can constantly learn to let these things go each time they try to resurface.

I encourage you to replace those worried thoughts and hurts from the past with trust.

Trust that God has got this.

Trust that He sees everything.

Trust that He will give you justice.

Trust that you will heal.

These are things I need to work on as well.

So every time you get a burdensome, worried thought. replace it with a prayer.

Let’s pray.

Father, thank you that you are always with me. I am a broken human being in need of Your healing.  Please go back into my memory and heal these wounds from the past. Help me to forgive myself and others for the wrongs that have been done. Lord walk with me through processing these difficult memories and help me to heal.  I know that You have always been with me, carrying me along life’s journey.  Give me the grace to forgive and healing from past wounds. Help me to pray each time a worried negative thought surfaces.  Through the saints intercession. Amen.

 

 

 

 

God is with Us

Whom shall I fear, the Lord is near.

 

Sometimes we don’t speak it enough but I love that God is with us.

 

On a retreat I heard the phrase

 

“God is good all the time.  All the time God is good.”

 

Sometimes moments are good, sometimes they are filled with sorrow and grief.  My days look like school and family time and normal day to day stuff, singing and music but sometimes they look like sadness and sickness and worry. Sometimes I fall short of the glory of God. Sometimes I fall into the trap of unforgiveness and sorrow.  But what a beauty it is to be alive and live for God. What a joy it is to love others.

 

I think of that For King and Country Song, “For God is with Us.”  It’s true.  God is with us.  Jesus means Emmanuel.  What does that mean?  It means I can depend on Him and that God came in human form to save the world.  It means we can trust Him when we feel like we have nothing and no one else to turn to.

 

I heard it said that the devil tries to make us feel alone, lonely, and forgotten.  But my friend God is there with you.  All you need to say is Jesus, I love you and this is what I am going through.  First and foremost God is a God so we need to offer Him praise, glory, and respect.  But He is also my friend.  My brother when I need Him. My strength, my shield.

 

I urge you to grow your relationship with Christ. Get to know Him. How do we get to know Him better? We spend time with Him. Especially when we are suffering, it is vital to get to know God.  It is such a gift to have the God of the universe with us.  He is everything and we are nothing.

 

Listen to songs about Him, read the bible, read books about Him, go to Mass and receive Him in the Eucharist, pray the rosary. There are so many different ways to pray. Relax in His presence.  Go to adoration and just sit in His presence.  What a mystery that the God of the universe is present in the Eucharist and we can just go and sit and talk to Him.  What a beautiful friend He is.

 

I want you to imagine Jesus with me. I have found contemplative prayer to be amazing. I don’t do it enough but just sit and close your eyes and imagine Jesus. Imagine you are at a peaceful lake or in nature and you imagine Jesus with His beautiful kind eyes sitting beside you.  “How are you my child?” He gently asks. And then You open up your heart to Him.

Hey Jesus, I have been dealing with this.

 

Better yet, when you receive Holy Communion you can do this.  And you just share everything.  Then listen for what He whispers back to you.

 

I was reading this book about life after death the other day, the near death experiences that people had and how they came back. All of them reported to seeing Jesus. They said that they felt this immense love and that He was there to meet them.  I find that so amazing. You see, Jesus is the one who will be waiting for us when we die.  Are we living with that in mind?

 

There is no greater a man who died for others and who was completely sinless, yet took on the punishment of sin for all humanity. And that was because of love.  Love can do amazing things.  Love saved you and it saved me.  And when we spend time with Jesus, acknowledging His presence with us, we become more like Him, like Love.

 

He is your shepherd, waiting for you to bring Him closer to His Sacred Heart. Friend all it takes is a little of your time.

 

You may be hurting. Jesus is the perfect person to run to.

 

So in this season and the next, when there are millions of things vying for your attention. Relax. Be at peace. And spend the next couple of minutes meditating on His great gift of love.  I can’t even imagine what you have been through, we all have our trials.  But with Jesus we can get through everything and everything.

 

What an amazing gift we have.

 

God is with us.

When to Say Enough is Enough

Hey y’all.

Jesus told me to tell you guys that enough is enough.

We can live so down on ourselves.  So worn out from the pressures of daily life.  We get exhausted.

But I want you to live from a place of joy.  I don’t want you to be weary or any sadness, and grief, and unmet desire to pull you down.

Sounds hard.  How do we live like that exactly?

Well, with Jesus anything is possible. 

I went through a rough place in my life where I was letting the devil walk all over me.  I was believing these lies about myself.

I can’t do it.  I can’t forgive them. I can’t try to reach out.  I’m too scared.

God finally told me to  put my foot down and say enough to the lies that the devil tells me everyday.

It is a lie that I’m not loved and it is a lie that you aren’t loved. It is a lie that you aren’t beautiful. It is a lie that no one likes you.  It is a lie that she has got it better.

Ladies.  You are welcome here to this blog, to this little family of ours here at Living Victorious with Grace.

I dare you to surrender it all. 

Surrender the hurts, the broken moments, the things you quite don’t know what to do with.

I dare you to get out of the boat and walk on the waters of life looking directly at Jesus.

He gets it. The waves are crashing, the storm is a brewing.  Sometimes these storms are even inside of us. Sometimes we get so lost we don’t even know which way is up.

But dare to imagine Him. Imagine having complete surrender and humility. He is beckoning you my friend, closer to Him each and everyday.

He is saying I defy nature look I am on the water. I am not sinking. Maybe, just maybe if you keep your eyes on Jesus–

You can fulfill that dream within you.

This started as a way to say enough to the anxious thoughts running wild in your brain.  But we have to realize the anxious thoughts might be coming from our enemy. What if someone is trying to distract you from living a life where you can be unstoppable?

What if with total surrender to God, you can do amazing things.

You see, we are nothing without God.  God is holy and He is powerful. He is our Creator,  He is our King.  He is all knowing. He is the beginning and the end.

He is trustworthy. He understands brokennes and He calls us to pick up our crosses and follow Him daily.  We are to live like Him and sometimes that can be really rough.  But Jesus said my grace is sufficient. He said, I will carry Your burdens.

He says I can use your pain to help others. I can heal you.

So today, I dare to take a step.

Even if it’s tiny and no one sees it but you.

Keep your heart set on looking at Jesus.  Keep your heart set on the truths of what God says about You.

A victorious life starts with us.  It starts with total surrender to the heart of Jesus, wherever He may lead us.

It starts with saying, “Enough is Enough.”

I Will Trust in Your Love

I Will Trust in Your Love

God I can’t make it through another night.

Will everything be okay?

These are the thoughts that trickled into my mind as I tried to fall asleep.

I was worrying about this or that, stuck in the past, but actually terrified to take any steps forward.

Should I get up?  What am I avoiding?

Sometimes, I would feel anxiety at night. It would come and try to make itself home in my head, plant lies like weeds in my heart.

But then morning would come, and everything would feel fresh.

“What was I so worried about?” I wondered.

See my perspective had shifted while I was sleeping.  The daunting night had actually given light to a new day.  Sunlight streamed into my heart.

A popular Christian song sometimes plays in my mind.  I hum the lyrics,

When You don’t move the mountains
I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You

God doesn’t always answer my prayers the way I want Him to.

It’s tragic, sometimes I just don’t know what to think about the things that hurt. That sting.  How did those situations help me again God?

But it is in those beautiful places that flowers blossom.

Blossoms of change, of purpose, of compassion.

I grow and seasons change.

In fact, I have grown so much from having depression.  From feeling comparison.  From feeling hopelessness.

God had a plan for me all along.

But in those hard moments, I couldn’t see it.  I didn’t understand it.  That is what is so beautiful and mysterious about God.  He uses the good and the bad times to teach us, to produce fruit in our lives.

If you are in a rock and a hard place, turn to God.  Ask Him in and

Don’t worry.

Beautiful things happen when we trust Him and His love.

Remember, He loves you.

“And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” Colossians 3:14

 

 

 

Who is God

Who is God?

I talk a lot about trusting God, talking to God, depending on God.

But if you weren’t raised in a Christian home, you may be wondering just who God is.

Is God even real and how does He relate to me?

Is it too good to be true that we have a Creator who cares deeply for us?

I don’t claim to have all the answers but this is what I truly believe.

First and foremost, God is our Creator.  In the first book of the bible, we see that “God said, ‘Let there be light and there was light’.”  He created the heavens and the earth, including the stars, the planets, the seas, the angels–He created it all.  Before God, there was nothing but Him.

Then, “God created mankind in His own image.”  (Genesis 1:27)

I bet I threw you a curve ball there.  We, God’s creatures were made in His image and likeness.  Also, God knows us in and out because it was He who created us.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you.” (Jeremiah 1:5)

Secondly, it is important to know God is love.  Here is where a lot of people get it wrong. God is not an angry, judgmental, harsh God.  Yes, God does judge us for the bad things we do, He is just.  Yet, wherever you are in life, God loves you and He always will. In fact, God is the very expression of love.  God shows kindness to all His creatures.

God’s greatest act of love was giving His son Jesus to die on the cross for us,

 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16)

Jesus did some pretty amazing things while He was on the earth.  He healed the sick, opened the eyes of the blind, miraculously fed thousands with a few loaves and fishes.  Yet, the most amazing thing was the miracle of Him dying, and being raised from the dead.

He walked on water, beckoning His followers to come to Him, to have faith, just like he is beckoning you and me.

Satan tries to steal this from us. See there was an evil presence introduced into  the world by Satan.  Satan tempted Adam and Eve,  the first people to live on this earth (the people made in God’s image), to disobey God.  Once they did, they forever were left with the mark of original sin, essentially separated from God.

Yet God, sent His only Son Jesus to give us a chance at eternal life, life with Him forever in heaven.

Despite our sin, Jesus, both divine and man, came to this earth to redeem us in God’s eyes. He came to bear the weight of all mankind’s sin, defeating the powers of darkness.  That’s pretty powerful.

God is powerful.

He is in control of all Creation.  Without Him, all would cease to exist.  He grants us our prayers, He heals the sick, He provides.

All’s we are called to do is believe.

I would ask you to get to know God.

Listen to sermons online, go to a local church, message me on social media with your questions.

See, we were created to love God, and to be loved by God.

Trust in Him.

Talk to Him.

If you don’t know what to say, start with honesty.

Tell Him that you were just introduced to Him.  Tell Him about all that is on your heart and mind.  If you have questions, tell Him that.  Ask Him for peace for your heart.  You are forgiven.  All you have to do is ask.

God wants a relationship with all His children.  He loves us so much.

I imagine that image of Jesus on the water, walking toward us.

Come to me.

Come home.